The secret to maintaining alignment with your spouse

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:01]:Welcome to Scared Confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. Okay, so you maybe listened to, maybe didn't. My husband and I just had our anniversary. 19 years. Woot, woot. So proud of that. So for our anniversary, we went and had, like, Saturday.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:17]:We left the house at, like, 02:00 230 and spent the afternoon together actually doing some little closet Zhaj up for J.R., which was very fun. And then we went out for dinner, and I talk about in the course life of Ann Academy, one of the things that helps keep us sane is a quarterly meeting between J.R. and I. And we used our anniversary date as the opportunity to, like, do that, to get caught up, not just on, like, each other, but also to step back and kind of at a 10,000 foot view, look at our family, look at what's coming, assess the past quarter, see where we're at, and, like, plan really, really well together. And I told him I was so happy. He brought a list of things to talk to me about. And I was like, babe, I feel so loved right now that you took the time to, like, hear me. Over the last few weeks, as I was, like, knew we were going to go out, and I'd been saying, like, hey, these are some things I just, like, really want your time and attention on. And we talked about those things.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:15]:So if you're not doing this, I don't care if you run your life on that own, the ordinary system or not, but I am telling you, this quarterly check in with your spouse, not just and, like, partner it with something fun, it should be both a business and a work trip. Like I say, trip business. That's the same thing. I mean, both work and fun. It doesn't work very well if it's just, like, just this business exchange, like, the business of the family. But when you're in that zone of having fun together, when you're in the zone of, like, doing something together that, you know, you both enjoy, like, there's all kinds of, like, good serotonin and stuff going on. Use that time to also really think thoughtfully about the family and what needs to be solved, because he is in and out a lot. Like, with travel.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:02]:I need these check ins to know that some key things that I'm driving forward, he is totally on board with and that I'm not running away with the farm on accident. So one of the key things that we talked about was I really want to just put more structure in place for our older girls, especially to teach them financial responsibility. I feel like that was a huge gift. My parents gave me. I totally knew what things cost when I left the house. I understood the relationship between work and money. Like, I understood the difference between meeting my long term needs and fulfilling some of my short term wants. I feel like I really understood that when I left the house and, like, went in into life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:43]:We are really doing a very poor job at that because it's just easier to buy them what they want, but that doesn't create good infrastructure. So that was a conversation where, like, I wanted to get philosophically aligned with him on, like, what do we want to teach? What order? What happens in middle school, what happens in high school, what happens in college? What are we going to pay for? So he and I are aligned as we start to talk to the girls about it. So that's an example of one of those conversations that's, like, pretty tough to tweak out in the last six minutes before everybody goes to bed. And so it was an awesome time for us to sit and have conversations about that. We also talked about our 2025, like, trip schedule, which seems insane because we're not even half of the way through 2024. But the requests for our time start to come really fast and furious, especially as we, like, get into the third and fourth quarter for the following year. So we have learned, like, get ahead of that. What are we going to do for spring break and fall break next year? What trips is he going to take in the first quarter? Again, looking ahead so that we are proactive and we are the ones in charge of our lives.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:48]:So you care less about my family than you do your own family. But this is my, like, just plea to you is take time once a quarter, you and your spouse, and go spend time, have fun together, have a great time, laugh, enjoy each other, spend some money, do whatever it takes. And also talk about the business of the family and let the other person know that you want to use some of the time that you're together to talk about some of these bigger picture things. Give them a warning shot so that it's not a surprise. Cause when it's a surprise and not everybody's in the same zone, that doesn't work. And for us, we usually start with the fun zone and then move into business zone. You do what works for you. But I find we sort of like, start on a really good place and then we can go into these tougher conversations being like, hey, we actually really like each other.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:36]:We're a really good team. This is really fun and it's not all weird. Then when we move into the fun things, if it didn't go as well as everybody planned or not everybody gets what they want. So that is what I've learned, I'm telling you, is like life to me. We always go away in November. I've said that a thousand times. So that is one of our business meetings. Our anniversary is in April, and so that is usually, like, a trigger for me.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:01]:I, like, kind of, like, pair those things together as a second one, and then there's one in the summer, which is kind of survival mode. Honestly, that one's pretty lightweight because our heads are bobbing above the waterline just slightly. And then one, usually when we go back to school, like, that's a big transition moment. And, like, getting everybody where they're supposed to go, making sure that everybody's supported, and I have things in place, and it's before the holidays, that's another key, like, check in time for us. So, again, it can be actually on the quarter for you. It can be 90 days exactly apart. I tend to to pair it with seasons of change or times when he and I would already be together because it's just hard for us to get a lot of time together. And so I use it really strategically.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:42]:So, anyway, it has been. We're probably two years on this system, and I did not, like, announce to J.R. that we are gonna do a quarterly check in and talk about the business of the family. I just, like, started doing it, like, keeping a list of things that I wanted to talk to him about and using this time when I had his attention, to move things forward. And now he's, like, also bringing things that he sees coming, and it's, like, awesome. Anyways, I'm a big, big fan. I think we don't take the business of our families seriously enough. Not because we don't mean to, but because we don't know how to create the time for it. And this has been a big solve, and I just took it from my work life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:24]:This is what we do in my work life. Why don't we do this in our personal lives, too? So try it. If it's clumsy at the beginning, keep going, keep practicing it. Be honest with one another. Like, hey, we're trying some new vocabulary with each other, and maybe we thought we'd get through everything. Maybe we only got through one thing. Whatever. At least you're making progress.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:44]:The other thing I'll say that we do is when we have our complete list of things we want to get through, because you don't always have time to get through all of it is we both pick our most important thing so that that gets covered. I tend to be the talker and J.R. tends to be the listener. And so if I don't stop and say, hey, which one is most important to you? We will get through all of my things and I will feel so good about it, and then he will feel like we never got to talk about the thing that was most important to him. And so I have had to learn to stop and ask that because I'm like a very high, quick start. I get right to it. I'm, like, pretty charged up usually about the thing that I want to talk about, and I don't stop and think about and ask for his priorities and perspective. So I think he would say, I'm getting much better at that. So anyways, this is my recommendation.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:33]:Do it. It will help, I promise. Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.

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