278: When Everything Feels Like Too Much—Start Here

[00:00:00] Brian Kavicky: I actually think it's harder with the good times. 'cause the bad times, you're forced to deal with it. Yeah. The good times. You're kind of going, wait a second, this doesn't feel right. Why was I so excited yesterday? Yeah. And now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I have so much remorse over this.

[00:00:16] Tiffany Sauder: I am Tiffany Sauder, entrepreneur, wife, mom to four girls, and a woman figuring it out just like you. If you're tired of living a life of have to and finally ready to build a life of want to, then you're in the right place. Come on, let's go build your Life of And.

[00:00:39] Tiffany Sauder: Hey friends. Welcome back to the Life of And, I am your host, Tiffany Souder. And if you are like me, summer has been equal parts wonderful and a wild ride. Routines feel like a distant memory. Work momentum is slowing from all the distractions that summer brings. And maybe just maybe you're wondering like me, how you're gonna pull it all together for the back half of the year.

[00:01:02] Tiffany Sauder: Well, that's exactly what we're gonna unpack together today in this episode. If you caught the last episode with Brian Vicki, who's on with me today, we talked about how to snap out of a mid-year slump and why waiting for the second half of the year to magically fix, to magically fix itself is just not gonna work.

[00:01:19] Tiffany Sauder: And today we're gonna go even deeper. This conversation is gonna read more like a journal entry. Because I'm bringing Brian deep into my real life in real time. This is like you're listening in on our coaching session with the hopes that this conversation helps me build a reset plan after a season that's held some drift.

[00:01:39] Tiffany Sauder: We're attacking renovation, chaos for kids, a traveling husband, all the goals, personal and professional, and how to stay focused when all of it is happening at the same time. Feels like a lot. Brian has been coaching me in my real life, real time for over a decade, and these are the kinds of things I bring him behind closed doors.

[00:01:58] Tiffany Sauder: But today you're gonna get to listen in. We have not rehearsed this. We have not practiced this. I'm gonna give Brian the mic and I'm gonna be the student because selfishly. This is the biggest thing I need to fix right now. And those are the kinds of things I call Brian with. So this is your invitation to experience what a real coaching conversation sounds like with Brian, and hopefully if you're in the same place as me right now, take away a reset plan that you can use in your own life to finish 2025 with clarity and confidence.

[00:02:28] Tiffany Sauder: So I'm gonna put on my snorkel and here we go. All right, Brian, let's get into it.

[00:02:33] Brian Kavicky: Fire away. What is going on?

[00:02:36] Tiffany Sauder: Okay. Well, I sent you an email earlier that kind of summarized it, and so I'll read some of that and then I'll just like word vomit. This is usually how this starts where I just start puking kind of facts and feelings and no real order, and then we go from there.

[00:02:51] Tiffany Sauder: So maybe I'll just like back up and these are the things that are converging. You've been on this journey with me for a long time and there are some things that I've really fixed that I don't want other choices to break. Like my marriage. I already broke that before putting lots of energy and effort and like just tasking myself to death in a way where I wasn't available for JR and I.

[00:03:12] Tiffany Sauder: And so I have this reflex that when I start to get into this mode where I'm gonna like just be, I feel like I'm gonna have to turn into a task monster. I lose my ability to be able to listen and be present. And that impacts our relationship first and fastest. So like that is a thing I want to protect and I feel is maybe coming.

[00:03:33] Tiffany Sauder: I went like full-time on this Life of And project, which really means I like, you know, changed my primary, not pri, but like source of income to Life of And I need to make this project self-sustaining financially. It's like a thing I need to figure out so it can perpetuate itself and. I find myself halfway through the year, and I don't know if I'm on track or off track.

[00:04:00] Tiffany Sauder: If I were to guess, I'm off track, but I don't like that feeling of not knowing, which tells me I don't really have a plan and I'm not really clear. I'm feeling pressure to get that figured out even more financially because we, over the 4th of July, I've shared with my listeners, have been on kind of this two year journey of figuring out where in the world are we gonna live?

[00:04:21] Tiffany Sauder: And in our house, remodel, move, build, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we found a house and we bought it in like six minutes as it goes. It's like this slowly, all of a sudden thing. And so we bought a house over the 4th of July, close on at mid-August, and it's probably gonna be like a nine month renovation process.

[00:04:36] Tiffany Sauder: So we're gonna have two homes. Our grass is gonna grow and leaves are gonna fall and they're gonna need to be maintained. And it's just gonna be spending cash, like our eyes are bleeding. And I. I am not nervous about the financial commitment, but I'm nervous about not having the Life of And Thing figured out with this moment where we're expending all this cash.

[00:04:55] Tiffany Sauder: And that just makes me feel Pressury. Plus just the time this renovation is gonna take, it's not small. I will be the lead on that from our family. And so I don't really have a way to conceptualize how much time that's gonna take, but I know I can't take like three weeks to get back to these people 'cause we're just.

[00:05:15] Tiffany Sauder: Burn in daylight, you know, like I'm gonna have to be able to be available and I've not done something of this scale. So I feel this just sense of fear of like, I dunno how to size it up. I dunno how to put it into my time. I don't know what kind of availability that's gonna require. And so that makes me feel kind of anxious and behind.

[00:05:33] Tiffany Sauder: And then like excitedly, we're going into a new school schedule and both of my kids will be in season volleyball and swim. Which just means practices and games and treats for home games and ribbons for hair. You know, just all the stuff that comes with, with needing to support those things. Having, you know, a sandwich to the high school at 4:14 PM because we all have time for that.

[00:06:01] Tiffany Sauder: Like just, I just know that there's like this time stutter that comes when my girls are in those things because they just need me at different times than when they're not in season. Plus the rest of our normal life. So those are just kind of the atypical things it feels like. Plus just keeping up with friends and church and family and all the things that come.

[00:06:20] Tiffany Sauder: So I am sitting here mid-July saying I have like, I don't know, 20 some days till the kids go back to school. If I wait until that moment to get this figured out, I am gonna be underwater. You have taught me like I kind of have until now, until November 6th. To have any kind of selling season for the Life of And, and so this is like kind of go time or I'm gonna kind of miss a whole season and so I just need to get focused.

[00:06:49] Tiffany Sauder: I need to get clear. I don't feel confident right now. And I wrote down like the biggest thing is I think I want clarity. I want some emotional peace, but also I want the confidence that each day I'm doing enough. Towards my goals to either prove or disprove whether the things I want are gonna work. And it's not as a result of like focus, effort and a lack of discipline.

[00:07:13] Tiffany Sauder: 'cause I feel kind of scattered. Which,

[00:07:15] Brian Kavicky: well, what's interesting, you started with when I get tasky things go bad, but I don't wanna end with lack of discipline. So you're, you're like two, you bookended that pretty well. 'cause those are opposites One another. How many times do you think you used the phrase? I don't know.

[00:07:36] Brian Kavicky: Oh boy.

[00:07:37] Tiffany Sauder: Five.

[00:07:39] Brian Kavicky: I stopped counting at 12. Oh my. So if we go through my word, if we work through things like, well, I don't really know if I'm on track or off track with Life of And

[00:07:52] Tiffany Sauder: yeah,

[00:07:53] Brian Kavicky: I don't like spending all this cash and not knowing blah, blah, blah. I don't know how much time the, I don't know. You have this list of all these things you don't know

[00:08:03] Tiffany Sauder: Totally.

[00:08:04] Tiffany Sauder: And it's paralyzing me. It's so true.

[00:08:06] Brian Kavicky: But confidence is not related to that. But clarity is so. What if you made a list of the things you didn't know? Like let's do something super basic, like you said, well, there's snacks and bows of above. There's also a calendar that goes with that for when you're gonna have to bring, be the snack mom, right?

[00:08:25] Brian Kavicky: Correct. Yeah. So how do I find out when my day is on the calendar or when will the calendar come out so that I can check the box that I know so I can plan around it?

[00:08:36] Tiffany Sauder: Okay. Or

[00:08:37] Brian Kavicky: if it's jr's gonna travel. When is he gonna travel? What is he going to do and how do we spend the time? Or how do I be ready for those times that he needs to have me around and listen and do that so that I can plan for it like this?

[00:08:52] Brian Kavicky: Like there's things you know, and there's things you don't know. Mm-hmm. The things you don't know are what puts you in this state right now and why you're stuck and overwhelmed is you're not doing anything to find out what that is. You're just sitting there in this state of panic, like this is a lot.

[00:09:09] Brian Kavicky: Does that make sense? Well,

[00:09:10] Tiffany Sauder: I, yeah, it is. So let's double click into that one. Because of the Life of And like financial model and figuring out how to turn this into something that self sustains so that it makes sense financially to keep going with it. And so that I'm not rebuilding a service business where like every dollar of revenue comes from a minute of my time.

[00:09:32] Tiffany Sauder: Like how do I build a model that starts to fit? In the way I want to help people and, and so anyways, we don't need to go into all that, but one of the things that I realized was my brain wouldn't stop thinking. It wouldn't stop diverging coming up with more product ideas, more markets, more industries, more.

[00:09:49] Tiffany Sauder: It's just like, I was like, okay, why do I have no confidence about where to start? Because that's actually not a super Tiffany trait. Was that fair? Yep. Like I, I'm kind of, I'm like ready to start usually I'm like, why is that? So then I was like, I think it's, 'cause I don't have any conviction about where to start.

[00:10:07] Tiffany Sauder: So I did call a bit of a moratorium on task between Samantha and I and say we need to take a week if it's gonna take that to pause and get strategically clear on what are the revenue, like, just answering all these strategic questions. And at least, and this is off of what you told me last time we talked, is you said.

[00:10:26] Tiffany Sauder: Go back to your success model that made you successful at Element Three. And I had those things defined and the other thing you told me, 'cause I was like, I'm iterating on my product every six seconds, which tells me I have no confidence in it. You were like, get something down and iterate it after you've had 20 conversations.

[00:10:41] Tiffany Sauder: Not one. And I was like, well, I don't even really have a static deck, which is a problem. I'm just like spit balling. With some, you know, a piece of paper and a marker, which is not enough for me or for them. So that made me realize if I'm gonna define my product, I have to define my market. And if I had to define my market, I have to define my purpose.

[00:11:03] Tiffany Sauder: Like all those things come from one another. So I have to stop allowing that to be squishy and start saying, I have to decide if I planted the flag in a wrong or a right place, and stop figuring out where to plant the flag. Correct. And I think that's what you were just saying is like you have to stop having an infinite number of possibilities.

[00:11:25] Tiffany Sauder: 'cause that's where my brain is crashing.

[00:11:27] Brian Kavicky: Correct. Like, like the, um, you said, well, we're gonna have two houses and leaves fall and all these things happen. Well, what, like if I said, well, what's the cost of having somebody do your leaves at the second house? Like, I don't know.

[00:11:41] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah.

[00:11:42] Brian Kavicky: Well, shouldn't you find that out before you worry that you don't have the cash?

[00:11:45] Tiffany Sauder: Mm-hmm.

[00:11:47] Brian Kavicky: So that you can prioritize what you're going to do and not do.

[00:11:50] Tiffany Sauder: You know this is me doing the thing I tell other people like, we catastrophize and we make things so big. Why do we do that?

[00:11:58] Brian Kavicky: Why? Why do we do what? Point it out in other people or catastrophize? The things that are big.

[00:12:03] Tiffany Sauder: Tell me if this is the same or different.

[00:12:05] Tiffany Sauder: Like I will tell people, look, outsource your laundry, and their assumption is it's a million dollars. Right. I was like, why have we never even looked? It's literally $35 a week, $35 a week, and they're like, I don't know. Why is it somehow easier for our brains to sit in this place of uncertainty and spinning like what is happening?

[00:12:23] Brian Kavicky: So there's a couple things, and I don't know the fancy terms for it, but your brain in unknowns always goes to worst case scenario, which is why you have to make unknowns known because you're like, if I said, is your family all safe right now? Everybody goes. I don't know, like, do you know something? I don't know.

[00:12:40] Brian Kavicky: You don't, you don't think, are they okay? Or what are they doing? You're thinking, are they dead? Just, just by me saying that. So, worst case scenario is your default because as a human being, you are meant to survive and be protected, and everything in you is meant to protect you, whether it's mentally, physically, all of those things.

[00:12:59] Brian Kavicky: It's a protection mechanism. So, so

[00:13:01] Tiffany Sauder: restate the phrase.

[00:13:02] Brian Kavicky: You have to make the unknowns known because if, if I leave them unknown, it's always worst case scenarios. Your brain defaults to worst case. So the catastrophizing has to do with the second thing of, well, why don't people go find out what laundry actually takes or why?

[00:13:21] Brian Kavicky: Don't even ask, ask you the question, well, how much does it cost you? Yeah. They don't even ask. They just go, oh, I can't do that. Yeah. Well, because they don't want it to be correct. They don't. Want. It's because if I had, if I find out that laundry only costs $35 a week, that is how many years of, why didn't I do this sooner that I now have to live with, that I was mad about for all these years so that we get to this place like, well, I wish I would've known that before.

[00:13:49] Brian Kavicky: Yes, just accept it. But you can't control backwards. You can only control forward. But we don't always wanna find out that we were wrong. That's sort of your pursuit of perfectionism, of not planning the flag. There's a little bit of fear of planning the flag and you go, well, what if I'm wrong? Totally. But then you'll know versus just waiting until it's perfect and then it never happens.

[00:14:12] Brian Kavicky: You self fulfill that.

[00:14:14] Tiffany Sauder: So why do we do this? So the other thing I find I have been like praying and planning and wishing and every other word that you can think of. Not for a different house, but just like a, a big space to entertain. And like, this house is literally more than I ever imagined and we don't even own it yet.

[00:14:35] Tiffany Sauder: And already I find myself saying things like, oh, my word's gonna be a lot. Like, I know we're excited, but you know, there's gonna be a lot of work between here and there. Like, it's like I am trying consciously for those not to be. The superlatives and words I use about this home and this experience because it is literally everything I have wanted.

[00:14:53] Tiffany Sauder: Nobody is doing this to me. It is a full voluntary effort. Why is it that I have to work so hard to change that? Is it 'cause I don't really believe it. Like, what is it?

[00:15:05] Brian Kavicky: No, it's, it's that. So your brain. Makes decisions emotionally, it justifies it intellectually. So the intellectual processing actually comes after the decision was made.

[00:15:19] Brian Kavicky: So you're going, oh, this is exactly what I want. You're emotionally locked in. You decide, and then you emotionally go through it and your body goes, well, well what if this is a bad decision? I mean, I can't tell you how many people are like, oh, I just did this huge awesome thing. And then two days later they go, oh, did I go too far?

[00:15:36] Brian Kavicky: Oh, like, no. Like

[00:15:37] Tiffany Sauder: I have felt that so extremely Yes. Like up at night, like, was this so foolish of us?

[00:15:42] Brian Kavicky: Yes.

[00:15:42] Tiffany Sauder: It's safer to stay here. It's,

[00:15:44] Brian Kavicky: but you say you used the word safe. Yeah. It is safer to stay there, but it wasn't what you wanted. Yeah. So you, you actually have disconnected from what you wanted because now you have it that you start making what you have now upcoming.

[00:16:01] Brian Kavicky: Wrong. So the, the fix to this is like, well, why do I do this? Is there's not something wrong. No, that's something right with you. It's meant to protect you just go, oh, it's just a face. I just gotta cycle through this and know, oh, I'm gonna deny, I'm gonna go, oh yeah, this, this is too good to be true. And don't let the sabotage occur and just go, oh, this is just a new normal and I'm adjusting to it and I just haven't adjusted to it yet.

[00:16:25] Brian Kavicky: So let me just keep rolling. It's the same thing. If somebody gets promoted into a new position, they start to go, oh my gosh, maybe I wasn't prepared. Maybe this was a bad idea. What am I doing when they've been dreaming about it forever? You just settle down and go, oh no, that's just me getting used to this.

[00:16:41] Brian Kavicky: I haven't been here before. It's a new normal. Yeah.

[00:16:44] Tiffany Sauder: You've kind of said some version of this to me before that like, we're as bad at handling bad times as we are really good. Yeah. Like as humans, like we kind of react the same way. We forgot, lose our minds and like, I dunno.

[00:16:56] Brian Kavicky: Well, I, I actually think it's harder with the good times.

[00:16:58] Brian Kavicky: 'cause the bad times, you're forced to deal with it. Yeah, the good times. You're kind of going, wait a second, this doesn't feel right. Why was I so excited yesterday? Yeah. And now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I have so much remorse over this.

[00:17:12] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. It's really weird. And you do sort of romanticize.

[00:17:15] Tiffany Sauder: I'm like, oh, this hasn't so bad. And I'm like, literally four days ago I could have told you why nobody should ever live here.

[00:17:21] Brian Kavicky: Right.

[00:17:22] Tiffany Sauder: It's wonderful. But you know, it's like, yeah. Like in one moment your perspective changes so much. Okay, that's helpful. What else do you see in there?

[00:17:32] Brian Kavicky: This also looks like a list of not having priorities.

[00:17:37] Brian Kavicky: Mm-hmm. So the way that you get to the ands is that you have priorities that you say, this is what's important and this is what's most important. So if you prioritized your list, I'm not sure being the greatest snack mom would be number one on the list, yet you're giving it the same weight as everything else.

[00:17:56] Brian Kavicky: Mm-hmm. And don't, it doesn't deserve the same way you, you have the right to say, I got a lot going on here. I'm not the snack person this round. Or Twinkies are just gonna have to cut it this time.

[00:18:08] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. Like, you just make it simpler.

[00:18:10] Brian Kavicky: Yes, because it's, I, some things I just gotta say, I checked the box, I did what I was supposed to do and move on.

[00:18:16] Brian Kavicky: I don't have to deliver to my excellence in this area Uhhuh. 'cause my excellence is needed for the season that I'm in where I'm not gonna have this season for a while.

[00:18:27] Tiffany Sauder: Okay, that's helpful. I'm writing down prioritize, which is a golden word in my Life of And world two. Let me ask you this, so this house remodel project, how do you go about, I think the analogy is like trying to figure out how big the elephant is when you can only see one side of it.

[00:18:46] Tiffany Sauder: Like I've never been through a process like this. I don't really know what to expect. Mm-hmm. There's a lot. With just the remodel and picking all those things out. There's been like furnishing this house that is, we've been married 20 years, we've been in this house for 10. There's just a lot of things that won't go with us.

[00:19:04] Tiffany Sauder: They're kind of at the end of their useful life. So lots of You have

[00:19:06] Brian Kavicky: a, you have a purge.

[00:19:07] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah, it's a good time. Yeah. Lots of furniture and furnishings and towels and linens and you know, six more toilet paper holders kind of things to figure out an inventory. Lots of stuff to pick out. And then. And then there's like just facilitating the actual move, which that doesn't, that feels just like a four day project that actually feels shaking its head.

[00:19:30] Brian Kavicky: I know it's not. Four day, he's like, you're so far away from, well, think of what you moved 10 years ago to what you have to move now. I now it's a different level. It's a beast. I know. But what you're describing though is you're, well, how do,

[00:19:42] Tiffany Sauder: how do I, how do I size it so that when you say, go make your priorities, this is what I'm afraid of that I.

[00:19:49] Tiffany Sauder: I am gonna be just so far off in my estimation of what it's gonna need from me that I get back on my heels and I'm like, dang, I wish I would've just picked to fail at this thing over here eight weeks ago, versus sort of fighting the demon for so long.

[00:20:10] Tiffany Sauder: I wanna take a quick moment to thank my partners at Share Your Genius. For the past four years, they have been an incredible part of my journey behind the microphone. Share Your Genius is a content and podcast production agency that helps leaders and brands bring their message to life. So whether you're trying to find your voice, develop a content strategy, or get your leader behind a microphone, they're gonna help you make it simple, strategic, and impactful.

[00:20:34] Brian Kavicky: So, I got a question for you.

[00:20:36] Tiffany Sauder: Okay.

[00:20:37] Brian Kavicky: So you have deprioritized your laundry. Yes. And you've said, I'm not doing it. Why are you electing to take responsibility for some of these things? When you are good at deprioritizing, what you're going to do? In other words, why, when you say

[00:20:53] Tiffany Sauder: some of these things, what's on your list?

[00:20:54] Brian Kavicky: It's renovation project. It feels like you're viewing yourself as a project manager for this renovation project, yet you're incompetent 'cause you've never done it before. Facts. So why are you taking responsibility for it? Is is a I have to do it when you won't even do your laundry.

[00:21:14] Tiffany Sauder: So I think, 'cause I don't know who to ask.

[00:21:15] Tiffany Sauder: That's a good question. Okay.

[00:21:16] Brian Kavicky: So that's an unknown to write down is who do I ask? 'cause, 'cause for some of these things you need a different who than you're used to. You need a who that knows how to navigate a whole process. Like you, like I went through the purge 'cause I went 20 years in a house. Mm-hmm.

[00:21:32] Brian Kavicky: And that required that a person came into our home and facilitated the purge by saying. Do you love this? Do you love, not like, is this going to donate the like over and over again? 'cause that's what they're good at. So when they see all hesitation, they go, oh, it's going bye bye. And it's perched and it's gone and it's removed and okay, cool.

[00:21:51] Brian Kavicky: Because we don't know how to do that. And it seems stupid simple. But if you've never done it before, you don't know how to do it

[00:21:58] Tiffany Sauder: right. Okay, so

[00:22:00] Brian Kavicky: like, like here's, I'm nervous about making this, you not thinking about, let me, let me give you another example.

[00:22:04] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah.

[00:22:05] Brian Kavicky: Your new kitchen, what drawer is the silverware going in?

[00:22:10] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. I don't know.

[00:22:11] Brian Kavicky: Yeah. But which means you need a person to do that for you because you not thinking about any of those things. Those things are so far off where they're going, oh, I know how to systematize a kitchen so that you know where every po. 'cause you have years and years and years of, we just figured it out.

[00:22:27] Brian Kavicky: But you wanna take that and the day you move in, go, oh, it's all, it's all put in the right spot. It's all done. We can start living here, blah, blah, blah. There are people who know how to do that.

[00:22:36] Tiffany Sauder: Okay, so I hear you. Let me tell you my underlying discomfort. 'cause I'm a pro at getting rid of things I hate and don't like to do.

[00:22:45] Tiffany Sauder: And I am no stranger to paying people for their time and energy so that I can focus on what I love to do. Perfect. So those things I bought into with my life, I feel like a naive buyer. In this world of construction, and I am nervous that I'm gonna, I've got one shot to do this. I'm nervous. I'm gonna accidentally spend 35% of my budget on a 33 people just like what you're talking about, who are more than happy to sell me their services.

[00:23:12] Tiffany Sauder: And I don't have a way to discern. Whether they're good, whether this is snake oil, whether I actually need that based on my own skillset and competency and way I see the world and experiences in life. Because everybody kind of assumes you have no abilities, you've never ran a project, you don't know what you like, you don't know colors, you've never seen a couch before.

[00:23:33] Tiffany Sauder: And so I'm just like, I feel like to be a steward of this project for our family and our budget and for jr. 'cause he is gonna delegate this to me for at least at a certain point. I am having a hard time, I think, on this teeter-totter of being a good steward and being discerning and knowing what we need and what's going on, and being like, yeah, yo, you know, that make this thing move in ready.

[00:23:58] Tiffany Sauder: And I will see at the finish line, like, yeah, okay. I don't feel like I know how to discern that.

[00:24:03] Brian Kavicky: Okay. But the principle of and is, it's not either or, it's both. So yes. The question you wanna ask is, how do I discern. And be a good steward. So it's how do I have the, and Uhhuh. So because of that, then the unknown is, well, I don't know how to discern who's good.

[00:24:22] Brian Kavicky: I don't know how to like, so you write your, I don't knows, and then you go, here's who I'm going to go to to find out how to do that. Becauses. Somebody out there who knows how to filter the baloney of a contractor. There's somebody out there who knows who the best person is for this. I don't have to know that because somebody else already paid the price for me to, to tell me what to do.

[00:24:44] Tiffany Sauder: Oh, actually, yeah. And I can go to what I always do, which is go to my network.

[00:24:49] Brian Kavicky: Yes. Which is what you're very good at. Yeah. And you tell your network, here's the deal guys, I need to not have these failures, so I need to give you me a failure proof plan of who are your who's that know how to do this so that I don't have problems.

[00:25:05] Brian Kavicky: At least that minimal problem.

[00:25:07] Tiffany Sauder: So I, I need to not have these failures. Who are the, who's I need in my life I need in this project?

[00:25:14] Brian Kavicky: Because it's, it's not the big things that'll burn you. It's the little things where you'll go,

[00:25:19] Tiffany Sauder: oh

[00:25:20] Brian Kavicky: yeah, that totally makes sense. I should have thought of that. That's the stuff that'll wear you out long term.

[00:25:26] Tiffany Sauder: Well, and just, I'm not good at little decisions,

[00:25:30] Brian Kavicky: right? Like

[00:25:31] Tiffany Sauder: I need a person who knows the vision. Because I will, I lose my discernment. So like this is where I know myself. It's like I'm all like, well, I don't know if you're discerning enough for my taste. You know, I'm all judgy at the beginning. Mm-hmm.

[00:25:45] Tiffany Sauder: And then I'm like, I know my own decision making will get as discerning as a dead frog because I only have about six good decisions in me on any big project because the rest I just see as minutia.

[00:25:57] Brian Kavicky: Yep. And that person that knows minutiae says, I love it when I get handed minutiae. Right, right. Yeah. So you gotta find that person that says, oh, you have countertop appliances.

[00:26:08] Brian Kavicky: We need to make sure that the outlet's in the right place for how you want to run your kitchen. Yeah. Outlets. Oh, I never thought of that. We gotta plug these things in

[00:26:16] Tiffany Sauder: Uhhuh. Yeah. Is there actually somebody who helps you purge your belongings? I am shocked. Can we go back for that for a minute? For a minute, yes.

[00:26:24] Tiffany Sauder: What, what, what is, are they like an organizer in reverse? Yeah.

[00:26:26] Brian Kavicky: Organizers. They do. So people that are good at organizing

[00:26:30] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah.

[00:26:30] Brian Kavicky: Also know how to perch.

[00:26:32] Tiffany Sauder: Oh,

[00:26:33] Brian Kavicky: because they're, they, they're trained in minimalism.

[00:26:37] Tiffany Sauder: What percentage of your belongings would you say you're rid of?

[00:26:41] Brian Kavicky: I would put it at 35%. Yeah. Or more like almost all of our furniture went away.

[00:26:48] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah.

[00:26:49] Brian Kavicky: But when we moved into the new house, things that weren't as organized, got organized. Like our closets still have hangers all lined up in perfect order. Yeah. By what it is. Because an organ, the weird thing about an organizer is when they do that, it stays that way with minimal effort.

[00:27:06] Tiffany Sauder: Well, I've learned that you never

[00:27:07] Brian Kavicky: thought of that.

[00:27:08] Tiffany Sauder: When space is built for function. It's so easy to maintain it.

[00:27:12] Brian Kavicky: It's

[00:27:12] Tiffany Sauder: crazy. Yeah,

[00:27:13] Brian Kavicky: it's wild. But those same people know how to purge.

[00:27:19] Tiffany Sauder: Okay. '

[00:27:19] Brian Kavicky: cause they know how to think in terms of future, to know that current past doesn't apply.

[00:27:26] Tiffany Sauder: Let me read some other things on my paper here and then I kind of wanna try to summarize this into like, okay, Tiffany, here's your 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 steps or three steps.

[00:27:34] Tiffany Sauder: Like this is what I need to go do. To move from my list of, I don't know. Is that what I said a thousand times? Yes.

[00:27:40] Brian Kavicky: You need to make your unknowns knowns. So step one is to list all the things you don't know that are giving you non clarity. 'cause you said I need clarity. Perfect. Where's the fog? Write down where all the fog is.

[00:27:55] Brian Kavicky: Then write down all of the people or who in your network is likely to be. Who would you go to who might have the answer to those to say. Oh, let me tell you how that done, and then you'll have your action steps of, oh, I had no idea that was a thing. Oh, I didn't know that those people exist. Oh, I didn't know you had a person who actually does that.

[00:28:16] Brian Kavicky: Okay, yeah, that's great. I wanna be introduced. And then you can discern them because now you're discerning the last 10%. You're not discerning the first 90, and it becomes much easier for you to go, oh, this is the one I like. Because they already come with some level of. They got through a bunch of filters.

[00:28:34] Brian Kavicky: I just have to make sure they fit how I like and do they get me and are they fun to be around and all that stuff.

[00:28:40] Tiffany Sauder: Okay, so make my unknowns known. What's giving me non clarity and then send out emails and things of like, Hey, these are my questions. Who would I go to that can show me how it's done my, who's leading me to other who's?

[00:28:55] Tiffany Sauder: And then from that I need to meet with them and pick one. 'cause then that person's actually gonna give me a plan. That is what makes my unknowns known. And then this is like silly, but when do I prioritize once I get all of that? 'cause I have to know the unknown. I have to know the knowns to be able to prioritize or no,

[00:29:15] Brian Kavicky: don't plant your flags until you have all of it.

[00:29:17] Brian Kavicky: But you can sort of. Put your flag in the spot and say, I wanna see what this look like. You know what your high level priorities are. Get those in order of, okay, these are the things that I, because you started, yeah, like the house

[00:29:28] Tiffany Sauder: has to happen. Yeah.

[00:29:30] Brian Kavicky: Well the house has to happen and JR has to happen. So yeah.

[00:29:33] Brian Kavicky: How do I get that priority? Because you said in the beginning you said. I have all these good things that I've done that I don't want to lose during this season. Yeah. So go back to those priorities and say, okay, these are the things that are still important. I need to make sure those stay intact as I do this, because everybody who you're engaged with needs to know those things.

[00:29:56] Tiffany Sauder: You know? This is, I think another step is defining my non-negotiables.

[00:30:00] Brian Kavicky: That's priorities.

[00:30:02] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. I think when I think about priorities, I can sometimes just look at the new stuff instead of like, okay, maintaining my relationship with JR. And saying, okay, babe, over this next nine months, what are the non-negotiables that we're gonna commit to date, nights out, weekend away skiing in February?

[00:30:18] Tiffany Sauder: Like, what are the things that are on the table and off the table? Because it's the season that's gonna take a tremendous amount from us. And we tried making a house decision when we were at a six in our relationship, and we almost just. Pulled each other's fingernails out at night and you just cannot make these big complex choices in the house, and it's already gonna add all this sort of stuff.

[00:30:42] Brian Kavicky: But, but it's, but don't also invent something that's not there.

[00:30:46] Tiffany Sauder: Don't invent problems.

[00:30:47] Brian Kavicky: You're inventing a problem. You're saying, oh, this is gonna be highly complex and very difficult and very rough on our lives. No, don't. Who told you that? People say that. Lots of people. Yeah, but people are wrong too. Like, don't do that.

[00:31:01] Tiffany Sauder: Okay. Okay. Just you, you know what, actually before we pushed record, you were like, there's a lot going on, but it's actually not changing anything. My point is, I can, instead of looking at it for what it is and saying, yes, there is a lot going on, but it's actually all working and like accepting that instead of needing to join the choir of.

[00:31:20] Tiffany Sauder: It's so hard. I know. It totally murdered our marriage too. I know. And I say that about other things, like I'm over the guilt thing. I'm over the unbalanced thing. I'm like, stop with the whining. I can't stand it, but I still have a few records left in me. I think where the whining feels like the way to belong, I think if I'm just being honest, right?

[00:31:37] Tiffany Sauder: Everybody.

[00:31:38] Brian Kavicky: Yes. Everybody complains about how like think of all the people. Yeah. Because about like literally it's going great. All this moving is so hard. This new giant home that we bought, it's so difficult and I've never had. Really? Are you just doing that for attention or is that really what's going on?

[00:31:52] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah, it's gross. Nobody wants to hear that story.

[00:31:55] Brian Kavicky: Yeah, but you did. 'cause now you heard, people said it was hard.

[00:31:59] Tiffany Sauder: I know

[00:32:00] Brian Kavicky: When you don't know what their motive was to tell you that.

[00:32:03] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. I have told the people closest around me, if you hear me complain about this, can you please just tell me to go check myself because there's no need.

[00:32:12] Tiffany Sauder: I've done so many hard things in my life. This is a good

[00:32:14] Brian Kavicky: outcome. These are the problems you want.

[00:32:16] Tiffany Sauder: This is a blessing. I know. Why turn it into myself into a martyr. We're so equipped for this. I have so many good people around me, like you're so right. This is a very helpful reframe,

[00:32:29] Brian Kavicky: but, but this is also very different.

[00:32:31] Brian Kavicky: 'cause one of the options on the table was. Stay in the house and remodel the house we're in, which would require displacement.

[00:32:40] Tiffany Sauder: Yes. Fact. And

[00:32:42] Brian Kavicky: so you're ignoring the fact that you chose the better option. Yeah. While you're saying, oh, this is gonna be super tough. Yeah. Why don't you just be displaced for nine months?

[00:32:51] Brian Kavicky: Yeah.

[00:32:51] Tiffany Sauder: No, it's so true. Well, the other thing my brain does, and then we can wrap this up with a quick summary of the steps. My brain has been like, this Life of And thing is too hard. You just need to like put it on autopilot. Just make it a podcast. Don't, don't. This is a silly season, Tiffany, to try to grow this into something more.

[00:33:08] Tiffany Sauder: Your kids need you. This house is gonna be big. Like there's just no, there's no way. And the first thing my brain does when I'm walking into it crazy season is think about what's the thing I need to kill that I love?

[00:33:21] Brian Kavicky: Or what's the thing? How do I leverage this season to enhance what I'm doing so that others would benefit from what I just went through?

[00:33:29] Brian Kavicky: That was a different phase.

[00:33:30] Tiffany Sauder: Which would this episode be an example of that?

[00:33:33] Brian Kavicky: Exactly.

[00:33:34] Tiffany Sauder: Yeah. Like how do I teach through what I'm living because this is a real life. This is not in the rear view mirror. And yeah, I get scared of putting our marriage in a place where it's not lovely 'cause it's so wonderful what it is.

[00:33:47] Tiffany Sauder: I get scared of. Letting people down that I've committed my time to and not doing that. I get scared of not being a good steward of this home and the resources we have to like remodel it. I get scared of letting myself down on my own, like health goals and like losing my control of my. Disciplines of getting up and working out because I get in the cycle of going to bed later and then I can't get up and then I can't work out.

[00:34:13] Tiffany Sauder: And then I hate everybody around me 'cause I haven't been to the gym. Like that's the mode of me that I am like, don't let her live in my life again.

[00:34:23] Brian Kavicky: But those things you just said need to be the non-negotiables.

[00:34:29] Tiffany Sauder: Okay. Because

[00:34:29] Brian Kavicky: those are the things where you're saying, I'm scared of losing this so I can't.

[00:34:33] Brian Kavicky: Totally. That's non-negotiable.

[00:34:35] Tiffany Sauder: It's like my version of alcohol. It's like I feel like one slipup and I'm back to her, like this whole Life of And, and these disciplines and these priorities and these minimums is like a safety, it is like a life preserver around me because I am not naturally good at that.

[00:34:52] Tiffany Sauder: I'm like, sure thing. I diverge. New idea. Let's go do this. Let's go try. It. Sounds like a fun adventure. Let's bring one more like, let's, and it's like chaos ensues around me when that is. When I don't harness that magical part of me into like a seasonal episode, instead of it running like a Tasmanian devil in my life.

[00:35:15] Brian Kavicky: Yes. Make the non-negotiables. Okay.

[00:35:18] Tiffany Sauder: Make the

[00:35:18] Brian Kavicky: non-negotiables.

[00:35:20] Tiffany Sauder: Okay, so summary. Define my non-negotiables, step one, step two, make my unknowns known so that I can see them and I know what I'm. Like what investigation I'm on, I'm on find the who's that can connect me to a who to help me with those unknowns so that I know what to do, discern, and like pick one, get a partner and get a plan.

[00:35:46] Tiffany Sauder: And then once I do that, then I just work my plan. Simple. Can we go one more place? Is the tool bot tool of a cookbook a helpful resource for me in this season? Yes or no. We can then tell the nurse what it is maybe, and then it

[00:36:03] Brian Kavicky: it is. So a cookbook is a list of the behaviors that you are going to take, the actions that you're going to take that are technically you're non-negotiable.

[00:36:11] Brian Kavicky: So the things that have to happen on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. To ensure. So when you were saying JR Night's out, that's a cookbook thing. We have to have X amount a month, or I have to do this bunch hours with kids. Like that's a cookbook. It's, it's how are I controlling my behaviors? How am I controlling my workouts?

[00:36:29] Brian Kavicky: How am I doing that? So you're making your list of this is what has to happen. And because that is prioritized as first, it allows all the rest of the other stuff to happen. Because you're making sure that the first things got done and you're not spending any mindset on why things aren't happening, because the things that you said have to happen are happening.

[00:36:51] Brian Kavicky: So you would definitely need a cookbook so that you can see. What I believe you're gonna find out is if I set the non-negotiables, I get the who's in place and a, and I do this, and then I have a cookbook saying, okay, these are all the things that I have to make happen. You'll actually find that you have even more time to do some other things that you wanted to do that you didn't think you'd even have the ability to do just because you organize yourself that way.

[00:37:17] Tiffany Sauder: I agree with you. I think the disorganization, I'm seeing so much inefficiency in my thought and even like. Where am I working from today and where do I go? And I like sit down at my desk and I'm like, I let my first email be my priority. Like what in the world am I doing? This is not the way a high functioning human runs their time, and I know that.

[00:37:40] Tiffany Sauder: So I think that's the last step in the process is to build the cookbook. So I am actually gonna, once you

[00:37:46] Brian Kavicky: know all the pieces, yes.

[00:37:47] Tiffany Sauder: Once I know all the pieces is to build that 'cause then I have confidence in my analogy earlier, my life preserver is on the key things that I am doing. They're getting my time whether I feel like it or not, because I can be a little motivated by what I feel like doing.

[00:38:05] Tiffany Sauder: And so then I'm like, okay, I know I did the day whether I wanted to do it or didn't wanna do it, she did the thing which gives me confidence. And yeah, it just makes me focused and things are tidy and then I can just do it. And I love it when life feels like that, but it is muddy getting there.

[00:38:22] Brian Kavicky: Yes,

[00:38:23] Tiffany Sauder: very muddy.

[00:38:23] Tiffany Sauder: Getting there. Anything else to add or I'll wrap us up? Nope. Okay, guys. Um, this is like the real deal. I came in super muddy. One of the things I wrote down is like, I'm kind of embarrassed. That I, I might look dumb talking about how I don't know what I'm doing when my job is to help people. Other people know what to do, but this is the most authentic version of this.

[00:38:44] Tiffany Sauder: There are parts of your toolbox that start to feel like habits you can defend, depend on. And then when we get in these change seasons, inflection points where good change is happening, like you added a kid, you got a promotion, you're moving to a new house, you're going to a new city, whatever the thing is, or hard things that create change.

[00:39:03] Tiffany Sauder: We have to be able to assimilate around them. And for me, this feeling of confusion and feeling disconnected from my tasks and my brain and just feeling scattered is a sign. I am not locked and loaded, and I'm not using my resources and my time and my attention and ideas in a high value way. So. I think the confusion has to be a stage of the process.

[00:39:24] Tiffany Sauder: I don't think we just get to like stair step up one step at a time, but we have a toolbox for how to get out of that season so we can get back to be locked and loaded. So thank you Brian for being a persistent part of my who's and my success formula. Thanks for doing this with me. And as always you guys, thanks for listening and joining and if this episode has touched you, I always love it when you share with a friend 'cause it's the fastest way that we grow the show.

[00:39:50] Tiffany Sauder: Thanks so much. Thanks for listening to the Life of And. This is your weekly reminder to keep making bold choices, saying clear yeses and holding space for what matters most. As always, if you like this episode, I'd love for you to drop a review and share it with your friend. It's the fastest way that we can grow the show.

[00:40:09] Tiffany Sauder: Thanks for joining us. I'll see you next time.